Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*