Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie