Every. Damn. Time.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me irl
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?