When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
This is my brand.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.