Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground