[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Holy shit he’s back
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!