I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
it must be school picture day
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
There is wisdom there.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.