[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You Might Also Like
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.