No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.