Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.