I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US