Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*