Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*