Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ready to be harvested
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.