“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?