I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You Might Also Like
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”