HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone