you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You Might Also Like
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”