I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not