Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
just got my engagement photos
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”