“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Thinking about Jeff
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.