Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My dog learned how to text
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”