I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Saw your ex at the shops
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?