try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Note to self: always read the final line
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?