NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
(yawn)
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK