People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.