*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Just a reminder, folks:
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.