I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”