[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs