This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Did I do this right
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”