[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Meow
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee