I have written yet another poem about laundry
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.