ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?