I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
did it work
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work