I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.