Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.