so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
my nickname in college
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.