My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.