Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
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My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*