ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
What the hell is going on?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?