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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
😂 amazing answer
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.