gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.