{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.