911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Bro what is this
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.