“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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kids play hide and seek like
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better