The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?