When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I wanna be friends with this person
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
shut up and take my money
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species