Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
#dalle2
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
they really do be looking like this
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.