Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.