It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.